A funny story I heard as a child many times

From my nanny (the same one that put soap u know where) She often told us this cause shes a funny woman even as a child...Yes its poo related...

When she was very little at school she was desperate to have a crap and even puting her hand up to lave didt help as her teacher wasnt haveing anything of it. So as she sat working on a painting or something she had a pooh (thankfully nothing too messy) proped on the side of her chair and carried on working when a boy in her class with a bit of a lisp kept repeating
"Doween Tutt dun poowiee! Doween Tutt dun poowiee!"

I know another similar story of her wee related when she was still a kid. To cut it short she was desparate when waiting outside a friands house to answer the door so she did it where she stand with her firends new dog sitting next to her. Never saw the dog again.

I love my nan, it was her 76th (i think)birthday yesterday

My uncle lives in Germany...

And consequently has a german toilet. These are the worst toilets in the world apart from the gents toilets in milan train station, thats another story. I digress, German toilets are designed so there is a dry shelf that you shit/piss onto and the hole is at the front. Don't ask me why they have the shelf, unless its some form of teutonic system for inspecting shits (mein gott! dreizig centimeter!).

When visiting my unlce once and only having muesli for breakfast, things got interesting. Feeling movement, i sauntered to the toilet and did what can only be discribed as the biggest shit of my life. This thing was a foot long and was staring back at me from the shelf whilst non too discretely stinking the room out. After several attempts to flush the behemoth using the pitiful flush thats used on german toilets, i resorted to wrapping my hand in toilet paper and coaxing the bastard off the shelf. not pleasant, but still felt proud at laying a good size cable.

Whilst at college....

.. I had a part-time job in the local pub. I had to work the Saturday morning shift and part of the shift ws to get in a couple of hours early to clean the pub before opening.
It was quite a nice pub, as the new owners had just finished a complete re-furb. The toilets were quite swanky, so it wasn't too much of a chore to clean them even with the mother of all hangovers!
One Saturday morning I went it to clean the gents loos and to my surprise and amazment, there in one of the cubicles was the biggest bum-nuts I had ever seen. Not only was it huge, floating and orange, but it looked exactly like a brain. Same shape, same size and same "bowl of noodles" markings. I had to call my co-workers in to have a butchers.
The Landlady deemed the toilet out of order, and said it wasn't to be used.
Out of curiosity at the end of the night I get in to see if it was still there. It has vanished! Either it sunk away of it's own accord or someone has stolen it and sent it to Ripley's "Believe it or not"!!
Soz for ramble!