i hate everything about you

today it rained really hard. and i usually LOVE LOVE LOVE rainy days. but a lot of stupid shit happened today. i mean lots of little things but it's like a lot of things gather up really easily. anyway today it just got me thinking about how small things really show the big picture (wow i guess last years theme was very "true to life" huh?) so i won't go into details. but remember how my birthday was GREAT, then it SUCKED cuz i got violent and cried a lot too, and then it turned out to be an enraging YET also a very good experience? that's like the one moment that has summed up my entire 17th year. it all started with my birthday. i'm like an emotional roller coaster ride now. and even all the people surrounding me who "cared" but didn't really care? i mean yes, they cared but the ones standing outside with me (you know who you are) and the ones that were relentless in attempts to cheer me up? it's like mr holmes said--it's all a facade. only takes ONE MOMENT to see how people are. and i thought people COULD CHANGE. but i guess when it comes down to it, they just don't and won't, not for me at least. makes me want to spend my birthday with my family or alone or WHATEVER; either way i'm afraid of growing up and being INDEPENDENT, but at the same time i can not wait to get out of this HELL HOLE (if college indeed, is as great as everyone says it is). ok i sound really PSYCHO right now but i'll get over it. i'm not even exctly sure who still reads this. still seems too public to just PUT OUT THERE. i might have to change blog addresses.

trying to change. remember life before AIM? i spent hours on the phone (i still do i guess, but only with like ONE person). i hung out with people. you know, had REAL conversations. i guess it's a blessing in disguise that i've been reduced to hiding from a person online, really cuts down on the useless "conversations." i think i'll just try to stay away from AIM in general unless i desperately need to talk to someone. we're all seniors now, most of us can drive. you want to talk to me? call me or hang out with me. OR HELL email me cuz i check like once or twice a day. (suig3neris@yahoo.com!!!!!!) and of course. there's this wonderful journal. can't put down the internet still so :) man i hope i can stand strong and see this through.